Fuck Car Dealers. Really, Fuck Them Right to Hell.

There is one truth about living in a modern society; one thing that even the most diehard, middle class capitalist will outwardly declare: “I fuckin’ hate this shit!”

For some stupid fuckin’ reason, we have to go to those sleeze-ball infested dungeons of putrid money hungry animals known as car dealerships when any of us wants to buy one of the most common tools that humans use in order to contribute to the western world. 

Why does buying a car suck so much?  

Well here’s a list of 19 reasons why going to a car dealership and buying a car sucks so much:

1. Every car salesman or saleswoman that I’ve interacted with have only had their  duche-baggery outdone by their sales manager.  I mean fuck, if you have to run everything we’re negotiating up the flagpole to your manager, then why the fuck do I have to talk to you?

   
   

2. I’ve easily purchased two dozen or more new or used cars in my lifetime.  Never have I ever met or conversed with any person, or have known anyone who even had a relative that worked at a car dealership.  This leads me to believe that either (1) the people who work at these places are so vile, that they have no friends and their families have disowned them, or (2) these dealership people are actually aliens, sent from some far off planet to simply bring anecdotal misery to the human race.  

   
   

3. The service department is just there to sell you air and cabin filters that you don’t need.  And they’ll charge you $55 plus labor because you’re too fuckin’ lazy to walk to the parts counter and get the same filter for $20 and change it yourself.  Honestly, if you can’t change an air or cabin filter in your car, then you probably shouldn’t even have a driver’s license.

   
   

4. Buying a used car?  The term “certified” just means  that the dealership has “certifiably” convinced you that you’re so fuckin’ stupid that you’ll believe that they conducted some “150 point inspection” that guarantees that they’re not selling you a piece of trash.  I mean, just Google it, and you’ll find dealerships who claimed that a used vehicle was “certified” only for the manufacture to tell the customer that “nope, the only thing that is ‘certified’ is that the dealer lied to you.”

   
   

5. They’ll also sell you a used car that they don’t even have the title for.  Happened to me.  Took six months of complaining; phone calls and emails, and finally threatening to go to my state’s attorney general, before the dealer “looked into it” and found that my car’s missing title was under some paperwork on some dude’s desk ten states away.  But they got my money when they made sale so I should’ve just went and fucked myself like I was supposed to.

   
   

6. It’s bad enough that you have to deal with a sales person, then a sales manager, but then you have to sit with the god awful finance manager to sign all the paperwork.  And that’s when you realize that you’re not done yet.  This duche bag will try and sell you more shit - maintenance packages, gap insurance, other bullshit insurance.  And all whilst the cocksucker sits there smiling and telling you shit like “you got quite the deal today! You know how to buy a car!” Eat a fat dick; quit patronizing me you fuckin’ Planet Jupiter reject. 

   
   

7. And let’s be clear, this finance manager slime ball isn’t doing anything other than trying to suck more money out of you; all the software at dealerships now-a-days only needs this fuckhead to key in a couple numbers in a couple fields and then everything is calculated and the printer spits out the contract.  And they still fuck that up.  They’ll forget to key in the value of your trade and before you know it, they’ve functionally “stolen” your trade and a few weeks later you get your first bill in the mail and realize you financed the entirety of a new vehicle.  You’ll scream “where the fuck is my trade equity!?” As you slam your face into the nearest wall.  Seriously, this happened to me.  Took three months to work it out.  These cocksuckers only started to get serious when I posted a Google Review and told them that I’m going to report my trade-in stolen if they didn’t take down the forsale listing on their website until I actually saw my trade equity in the contract.

   
   

8. It is without a doubt that all dealership employees - across the world - are the single driving force that is keeping Kohl’s in business; the amount of Kohl’s Cash that is printed and used in support of the wardrobe of these employees is incomprehensible.  Got forbid these people use either their salaries, commissions, or Kohl’s Cash savings on an iron though.   Been to an old school furniture store lately?  At least the 55 year old schmuck trying to sell me a recliner has enough pride in his appearance to wear some sweet penny loafers with his bargain basement tuxedo.  The car dealer employees just throw on some Velcro New Balances and call it a day.

   
   

9. Ever inquire about a vehicle through the dealership’s website?  Seven seconds later, you get a text, an email, and a phone call - all at the same time.  All I wanted to know was the price of the car; the website said “click here for your price.”  I didn’t want to speak to anyone; especially anyone with that fake fuckin’ “happy to help you” attitude.  

   
   

10. So you’re telling me that I can get a “drive-by” appraisal on my fuckin’ house now-a-days, but the car dealer absolutely has to “see my trade in person” in order to give me a fuckin’ ball park number?  Fuck you.  If you can’t determine the condition of my car through some iPhone pictures at this point, then I’m not driving all that to your shit hole dealership just so you can lowball me due to some tiny little flake in the paint on the underside of my bumper.  

    
    

11. Yeah, thanks for the free bottled water as I sit and wait for my oil to be changed and tires rotated; a maintenance activity that you said would only take “about an hour,” but yet here I am two hours in because “we have a tech out sick.”  God forbid I’m running 10 minutes behind for my scheduled appointment and you give me your passive aggressive shit and tell me “well, we’ll try to fit you in now.”  Yep, the bottled water is quenching my rage-thirst just fine.  

    
    

12. Car dealerships are like a warm toilet seat at a truck stop when the previous night’s cheese fondue slams into your bowels on your way to work.  It’s nice to find a toilet in your moment of need, but the warmth of the seat immediately reminds you that nothing but shit happens where you’re sitting.  

    
    

13. Some dealers have a “no negotiation” policy; then why the fuck do I have to talk to anybody?  Why the fuck can’t I just add the fuckin’ car to my cart on your fuckin’ website and then hit the “check-out” button?  I mean, fuck - I’d have no problem doing this when buying a car.  It’s those fuckin’ people at the dealership who are the real problem; these people are a level of yuck that can’t be described without having some bile creep up my throat and into my mouth. 

    
    

14. “The check is in the mail.”  Yeah, easy for you to say as I juggle two car payments now because you failed to pay off the lien on my trade in a timely manner.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.  Fuck you.  

    
    

15. Frankly, vehicle manufacturers should be required to yank the dealerships franchise license after even one shady business practice is uncovered by either the law or the press.  The amount of outwardly corrupt shit that these dealerships get away with is embarrassing.  The average person does not have the time or resources to go after these pieces of shit, but the manufactures do.  But they don’t.  I guess they’re cock-suckers too.  

    
    

16. The year is 2008.  Car dealerships are struggling.  Some are shutting down; some are laying off staff.  The media is all over the story; interviews and stories about the plight of these mother’ fuckers’ is everywhere.  Sales people with tears in their eyes; sales managers talkin’ about missing their mortgage payment.  Fast forward to 2020 thru today.  Car dealerships are marking up their inventory 10%, 15%, 20%; they’re signing people up for loans at crazy interest rates and terms as long as eight, ten years.  Sure, “supply and demand” is an economic reality; capitalism is a real thing - but fuck these car dealerships.  Really fuck them.  If anything makes me support a good ole’ economic recession, it’s seeing these car dealership fuckwads get what’s coming to them.

    
    

17. Get your stupid fuckin’ license frame off of my fuckin’ car.  I’m gonna give you free advertising after you made me wait for two hours on a Saturday whilst your sales manager scratches his balls and flirts with the secretary?  Go fuck yourself and your stupid fuckin’ license plate frame.

    
    

18. No, you Polo by Ralph Lauren wearing, community college dropout, I don’t want you to sit in the back and make small talk whilst I test drive the fuckin’ car.  Leave me alone.  You know where I’m from.  You took a photocopy of my license before we even went on this test drive.  I’d rather you either sit in your stained office chair, behind your stupid fuckin’ desk doodling, then come for a ride with me.  I mean, fuck - if you’re gonna ride with me, maybe tell me about your childhood growing up on Planet Fuckface you alien sleezeball.  

    
    

19. Your tv adds and radio spots are awful.  Like, for real.  We all know you’re “family owned and operated” for many years, and that your prices “can’t be beat.”  Honestly, it would be nicer for you to get on the tv or the radio and say, “Come on down.  Buy a car.  We’ll make you hate the whole experience,  but at least you’ll have a new car!”.

I feel like this list could go on and on, and maybe I'll update this blog post with more from time-to-time, but I'll end it here.  

And say what you want about Elon Musk and Tesla, but their car buying experience seems to be heading in the right direction.  

As for the rest of them - fuck you car dealerships; fuck you right to hell.