Fuck These Foods and Drinks!

There are a lot of food and drink things out there that I hate - like I really fucking hate.  It’s actually fucking bullshit that I hate these things so much.  I need a catharsis; I need to vent about these fucking things.

1. Rice pudding.  What the fuck is this shit?  Why does it exist?  Pudding is meant to be a smooth, chilled treat.  Why the fuck would anyone put rice in it? For texture maybe?  If I want to eat anything near the consistency of this shit, I’ll go for cottage cheese.  I see no point in rice pudding.  And if you like rice pudding, then you are a freak. 

   
   

2. Olives.  I don’t understand why these little orbs of culinary hell are so popular.  The taste is reminiscent of blue-collar-sweaty-sock-foot-odor and the underside of dirty ole’ snapping turtle.  I fucking hate these things.  

   
   

3. Beer; specifically IPAs - especially all those independent brewery ones.  The only thing these fucking beers are good for is to conduct a fucking colon cleanse.  I’m convinced that nobody really likes IPAs; everyone just wants to be that fucking weird hipster dude who’s annoyingly charming.

   
   

4. Wonton Soup. Its good but how the fuck am I supposed to eat a noodle that’s bigger then my face without my chin or cheek being melted as the scolding hot soup water pours from the innards of the noodle whilst I jam the fucking thing in my mouth?

   
   

5. Diet Soda.  My problem with diet soda is really with the people who drink it - if you’re gonna drink soda, then drink real soda.  Drinking diet soda makes about as much sense as wiping your ass in between the shits, whilst you’re in the throws of dysentery - just lay in the shower naked with the water on and open the gates of your bowels until its all over.   I have no idea why that analogy makes sense, but there’s a link there somewhere.  

   
   

6. Ice Cream.  Yeah, I fucking hate ice cream.  It’s so delicious tho; there’s not a flavor that I wont indulge in.  Eating a pint in one sitting is easy; eating a gallon of the stuff in a sitting is a challenge - but one that has been accomplished on occasion.  What I fucking hate is the lactose-intolerant fuck storm that shows-up within thirty minutes post-indulgence.  Starts with farts breaking the sound barrier, ends with power shits that crack the toilet bowl.  

   
   

7. Chicken Wings and Short Ribs.  How the fuck am I supposed to eat these fucking things in the company of a woman?  And then expect the woman to find me suave and sexy?  Rarely has my desire for these two delicacies overcome my insecurities.  And when I’ve had the courage to scarf down these heavenly concoctions of meat, I sit there with barbecue sauce all over my fucking face; pieces of meat decorating my front teeth - my open-mouth smile looks like some cave of stalactites with bats at roost.  Not to mention what my fingers and hands look like - every single fucking restaurant ever serving this shit along with the single wet wipe in the tiny packet that’s already covered in the meat’s sauce before I even rip it out of the fucking thing - can fuck a duck.

   
   

8. Trail Mix.  Fucking hippies and their fucking trail mix.  Fuck that shit.

   
   

9. Movie Theater Refreshments.  Fuck you movie theater and that same lame argument of “that’s how we really make our money.”  Sure it might be but $17 for a bag M&Ms or $19 dollars for a bag of Twizzlers is just corporate greed gone wild.   And then you fuckfaces have the nerve to warn me with messages and signs that “outside food and drink is not allowed.”  Fuck you, if I want to smuggle in a bottle of Dr. Pepper in my asshole like I’m processing into prison, I’m gonna do it and I’m gonna like it - maybe too much, but that’s not the point.  Fuck you.

   
   

10. Crab Legs.  Who the hell pulled these fucking things from the bottom of the ocean and said “I’m gonna eat this.”  You ever see - like - a real King Crab? Fucking thing ain’t far from that face sucker thing in those Alien movies.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, when you finally crack those legs and slurp out the meat, its good, but the work vs the reward just ain’t there for me.  

    
    

11. Any food or drink that you like - yes the one reading this stupid fucking blog. Fuck you and what you like.

    
    

I don’t have much more to bitch about in this fucking bullshit blog post.  I do believe I’ll make this a “living” blog post however - as I come across more food and/or drink that I despise, I’ll update this post.  In the mean time, go fuck yourself.